Monday 21 November 2011

Delirium

Where to start? I actually think I am going mad. I don't even know where it all started to go wrong. Back in September and October I felt like I had things under control. I suppose everyone's feeling the strain at work at the moment. And for that reason I suppose I'm not alone.
But I am alone. Or I feel I am. Because I think my child's behaviour - which is currently atrocious - may be down to all the animosity in our house right now.
Richard's mood has been very well controlled for a while thanks to a brilliant psychiatrist. Sadly he has not had much NHS input this year as he has moved between teams and luckily he found someone excellent in the private sector.
But just these past few weeks he has become irritable. I don't even know why. I have got to know Richard and his conditions well over the past decade. But there are still times when he moves into realms where I just don't get it. Like now.
I am so angry I cannot even put it into words. Yesterday I sobbed so hard and put my hands around my ears. I literally cannot hear anymore abuse. I just want it all to stop. I have started looking at jobs back where my parents live. I don't want to leave. But I can't live in this distress any longer.
When I say something Richard makes a joke (I lost my sense of humour a few weeks ago) or he gets annoyed. He doesn't see the work I do to keep this family together. He sees himself working all the time. That's because he's a workaholic. But he doesn't see what I am doing. Just now he has taken a whole load of stuff off my list. Which should help...
...except he keeps going on about me not doing x, not doing y. Because he is doing something to support me. But he is jabbing me with words every time he does something. Every time he does the dishwasher I am supposed to say, "thank you". Every time he irons a shirt I hear all about how he ironed a shirt. This guy could iron shirts before I was his girlfriend. Why would I need to make a big deal because he did it?
I am knackered because he needs me to pick up after him all the time. But now I have asked for support - and I am seriously depressed - I am getting it. But it is being totally undone by the person who is supposed to support me. Because I get sarcastic comments and nasty remarks.
Is it totally inconceivable that a man can support his partner? How can someone in temper throw wires all over a room and expect someone else to pick them all up? How can someone expect their partner to support them and never be supportive? How can someone take, take, take and never give without taking?
I know I sound bitter. But things really are not okay. Can I continue to live like this? I don't think I can. I have been so committed for so long. But when is enough enough? When is it time to call it a day? When do you know that the person who says, "I love you." really doesn't? How do I know if I am being weak or if I am sane? Do I even love him any more? How do I make up my mind? Am I just in that perpetual domestic violence cycle? Or am I onto a good thing? Am I taking things for granted?

Sunday 16 October 2011

Richard and Rose

We met Rose and Ian a few years ago just before our son was born. I never hit it off with the mums in this particular group. I have no idea why, I'm sure they're nice people but I found them a bit dull.
For some reason Richard took to Rose. From the day we met her he talked about how magical she was. I never saw it, and she didn't appear to have very much interest in us.
In 2007 I joined Facebook and since Rose and another mum from that group were in my e-mail list I connected with them. Shortly after Richard joined up too and also connected to Rose.
Somewhere along the line they decided to meet up for coffee. No big deal: they swapped phone numbers and met up. She got completely smashed which I thought was rather inappropriate but since Rose and Richard weren't in touch that much it didn't seem much to worry about.
Last year was a very wobbly year for Richard and me. He became very obsessed with Sarah. During this time he was very unhappy about being in a relationship with me. I almost left several times because I was convinced Richard did not love me. The abuse was on the backburner, he needed emotional support through his obsession and all the time my heart was being ripped out by his apparent love for another woman I had to be there because he wanted me to give advice on how to deal with her.
Richard confided in Rose. I have no idea why. Suddenly she was on his list of best friends. I didn't think she was that keen on him but now she was having to cope with his neediness for their relationship, to my surprise she was putting up with it. And then Rose did something I wasn't expecting. She agreed with Richard that he had fallen in love with Sarah, and that it had happened really quickly. She never once reminded him he was in a relationship with me. She was enjoying the tension and she wanted to see our relationship end. Rose told him from his stories that Sarah had been flirting with him. She encouraged his fantasies and told him his relationship with me was pointless. How on earth she would have felt if Ian and I had behaved this way I can only guess.
I contacted Rose asking politely why she spoke to Richard and never me. She was reticent in being honest with me. She said that she and I didn't click. I knew this. But I had no idea why she was pursuing my partner in this fashion.
She took my questioning to be jealousy. But I wasn't jealous. She was a bad influence and strain on my relationship and I didn't want her damaging me that way. Or Richard, he was vulnerable at the time. I asked if I could speak to her but she refused. She said if I had any issues with their relationship I should take it up with Richard. Sounds fair enough doesn't it? Except Richard didn't want to know how any of this was affecting me because Rose was allowing him to live out his fantasies. Rose had no principles and didn't care how I felt. She made that crystal clear. Validation is critically important to me. We all have our weaknesses. One of Richard's is his abandonment complex. Mine is needing to be heard.
And because I had contacted Rose she went behind my back and told Richard I had been offensive, this made him adore her even more. They both felt I was the bad party here and they ganged up against me. They shared texts and secret phonecalls to plot how to deal with my alleged jealousy.
What Rose didn't know was that my annoyance with their relationship came as a result of Richard's abandonment complex and her wanting gossip and fuelling his fantasies about Sarah. My relationship with Richard was directly threatened by theirs. I was confident Sarah was not interested in Richard. Richard came to me gloating because Rose was the one person who had indulged him. When I asked if she had even questioned him about me in all this he happily told me she couldn't care less about me. In fact she hated me. I had done absolutely nothing to offend this woman. He then went on to tell me what a great friend she was, how she understood him and how he would leave me rather than lose her. He told me to leave her alone and never to contact her again. I told him not to be so silly, she met us both at the same time. She couldn't choose him and not me. It was both or neither. She had even agreed in an e-mail that she was my friend (grudgingly I admit).

Richard is insecure about friends and always has to point out that people like him more than me. This can't possibly be true for every person we meet but he likes me to feel beneath him in this matter. It has become a sore point. I never cared how many friends I had. But Richard has made this a competition. If someone doesn't like him more he will try to convince me they are bad people. He cannot see that like Rose feels more for him than she does me, other people feel more for me than him. That's life. No big deal. He has made it into a big deal.
The consequence of all this is that they are now texting and e-mailing secretly so that they can do what they want. I am left on the outside, powerless. Every time I find out accidentally that they have been in touch I get problems with my stomach. Every single time. And it's there for a week. I am ill because of their communication.
In truth I have no objection to their friendship, though it would be great if Rose could be more objective over Richard's obsessions with other women. They are always a passing phase, painful for him and me both, but not forever. He and I have a special bond, our friendship is very strong which is how we have weathered the huge emotional changes within him. And it would be nice if Richard and Rose would stop treating me like a fool and play nicely and fairly. I deserve a lot more respect. Right now I feel I have never met anyone so nasty, selfish and unempathetic as Rose, who appears to be revelling in my angst. And ironically the only person who matches her is Richard, so maybe they deserve each other. If only they wouldn't team up against me and make me miserable.

Wednesday 31 August 2011

Slowing down in posting

As a result of a lot of things happening at home in June and July I became depressed and have had to put my blog on hold. I became overwhelmed with all the tasks I needed to undertake at work and home. The past few weeks I have been getting on a lot better with Richard. But some major things have happened along that path which I hope to be able to share soon. But for now I need to get my energy back.

Monday 20 June 2011

Woman Trouble

Let me introduce you to Sarah. I wish I had started writing this blog a little over a year ago when Richard met Sarah on a course they both attended. But I didn't really know what a blog was back then. It would have been good to share the journey as it went along and daily thoughts and feelings.

Sarah captivated Richard almost from day one. He bought new items for his wardrobe, attended college on days when he didn't have to and made him think of any excuse to meet up with her or chat with her.

Sarah appeared a bit bemused by the attention at first. She answered a few of his e-mails and texts in a semi-flirtatious style, I felt because she was being friendly. She very quickly worked out what he was about and started qualifying answers with questions about myself and Craig.

At no stage did I ever feel threatened by Sarah. She made me feel at ease. I knew she was not being drawn into Richard's obsession. But Richard really upset me. At first Sarah appeared to me to be like any other fantasy woman he had gone on about. But it slowly dawned on me that something really huge was going on here. Richard became very depressed. The more Sarah withdrew, the more depressed he became. I became very involved in their relationship. I am sure Sarah had no idea that I did. Every time Richard wanted to contact her he was running it by me. Every time she said something I heard all about it. I gave advice on stepping back himself, giving her some space and then, when Richard felt he wanted to contact her again I was encouraging about it. He no longer trusted himself to make a good decision and was relying on me for that judgement.

All the time my heart was being ripped out. When Richard was depressed and needed me I felt very close to him. In some ways these were some of the best days of our relationship because I really felt needed. At the same time I was being emotionally crushed. Richard could not differentiate between when I needed space and when I needed closeness. He was not interested in how much strain I could bear. I don't even think now he understands what a hard time it was for me.

Sarah and Richard are hardly in touch now. Richard is still working through his feelings, he probably will be for the rest of his life, but Sarah, who made it blatant to me early on has made it blatant to Richard that they will never be together romantically. Now Richard is stronger I can tell him how it makes me feel. He thinks these feelings are new. He thinks I was okay. He doesn't know that I had stomach cramps, felt lonely, didn't know where to turn or what to do. He says I make it up and he tells me this contempt is new.

He doesn't realise that I liked Sarah. That I thought she was a good 'un. That it was Richard who hurt me. That it is Richard I blame for my leftover feelings of despair and relief.

Saturday 11 June 2011

One of the brightest people I know

Richard is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. A lot of what I am writing about in this blog is about the struggle of life living with him. This post is about his other side. Many people who know someone with a personality disorder will describe them as a bit of a "Jekyll and Hyde". Reading through my blog you would be forgiven for wondering what I see in Richard or why I stay with him. Certainly he has his moments where he lacks common sense but equally he can be quite amazing.

I don't know anyone who has the depth of knowledge of so many different subject areas as Richard. Or who can apply theories from one discipline to another with such ease. If he tells me he spoke to someone who was difficult to talk to I know he really must mean it. Richard can hold conversations with most people easily.

There is never a dull moment living with Richard. It can be draining at times. It is difficult to keep up with his level of energy. But I have done a lot more with my life thanks to Richard. He is a motivator. And not just for me. He has recruited lots of people to various voluntary roles. He is frequently an inspiration.

Friday 10 June 2011

Boundaries

I was in a relationship with Richard long before he was diagnosed with a personality disorder. And while I didn't know what his eventual diagnosis would be, I did have some sort of feeling that my boundaries were being trodden on which was why I was starting to feel so rubbish myself.

I am lead to believe that boundaries are the way forward if I wish to continue a life being Richard's partner. This sounds quite simple but in reality it isn't. If I lay down a boundary he laughs at me, tells me he's not doing it or ignores me completely.

I have told him and told him. I don't want drawers to be left open, washing up left in the sink, to do all the ironing. But this is not setting boundaries. To me I am telling him what I want, what I need in order to improve the way I feel about life. This constant chaos is not where my mind naturally fits. To him I am just nagging.

So I need to bring in consequences. Ironic because I am to all intents and purposes controlled by Richard and one of his mechanisms is to use consequences.

I have begun my first proper foray into consequences: If Richard drops clothes on the floor I will stop ironing his shirts. Well I have to start somewhere, and it might as well be with something small that's going to make a difference.

Feel free to give me some pointers in the comments section below.....

Thursday 9 June 2011

Sometimes he's the best father in the world

He takes him for family walks. He answers his endless questions. He tells him about fascinating facts. He takes times with him over his hamster. He shows him short funny films. He knows exactly what to do when he's in pain. He spends a lot of time making special memories with him.


Richard and Craig have a great time together. They have a special bond. If they are separated overnight they both miss each other terribly. is away Craig misses him terribly.

Richard can't do it every day but he loves picking Craig up from school. Craig enjoys this too because it's a change from Mummy.

They have a great time together. I sometimes feel a bit left out. I don't think anyone has ever cared so much for me as those two do for each other.




RELATED POSTS

Tuesday 7 June 2011

Sometimes it's like being a single parent

I have one son and one partner. In an ideal world I would have mutual support from my partner and mainly support our son.

My world entails a lot more support for my partner Richard than I ever anticipated when we got together. I knew Richard for a few years before we started going out together. He was one of the most dynamic people I knew. I felt motivated by his passion for so many activities. He had lived away from home (which my previous boyfriend never had).

He was diagnosed with a mental illness, different from his current diagnosis, a couple of years before we hooked up. It didn't bother me. He was really well, lived a normal life, held down a full time course or job.

He still does. He works more hours than I do on a full time contract. He holds down several extracurricular activities. He manages to squeeze in some family time. So why is it sometimes like being a single parent?

Richard can be rude and aggressive. He can absolutely refuse any responsibility for anything to do with the house. He will promise to pick up the clothes littering his office but leave them for several weeks, he will promise not to pull all the clothes from his wardrobe onto our bedroom floor but forget, he expects me to know where every item he possesses is located despite being the most untidy person I have ever met.

Every time something goes wrong I am meant to bail Richard out. Every time I refuse to or can't I am berated and blamed. Every time I lay responsibility at his door he tells me I lack responsibility. Richard really is a teenager in a grown man's body.




RELATED POSTS
Sometimes he's the best father in the world

Monday 6 June 2011

Dear Richard, I just had to say something, from Joanne x

"You know what? There will be some 25 year old girls out there who don't find themselves attracted to you (but equally there will be some aged 45 and 35 who don't either). But you are not too old for some 25 year old girls to find you attractive. It's not that there's anything wrong with you - it's just that some people don't fancy you. No issue - no one is fancied by everyone they meet. Not even Prince William! So no, you don't need to take what I said to heart or believe that it is a problem, because it isn't.
Please understand that while I personally have no issue with my age, I do have an issue with society having an issue with my age. There is a lot of media and peer pressure for women to take 10 years off the age they look by using potions, creams, surgery etc. I don't care about how old I am but I feel society will consider me a failure if I can't take 10 years off. I am trying to explain the rationale for why I don't have a problem with my age while still feeling sensitive to it. It isn't so black and white as you have been making out. I have one part of my face which disturbs me and that is my frown lines. That is not because I don't want to look my age but because society tells me I am a failure when my face starts to crease up. From 21 I have been able to see that the first place I would get obvious lines is my frown. Many women have crows feet at my age and I am fortunate not to have them but I am sure that would make me feel a failure too.
So yes, I feel threatened when you talk about age and other people's ages, but not for the reasons you think. And at the moment I am really struggling to feel good about anything: I am knee deep in assignments and my diary is full of places I need to go over the next few weeks, meetings I need to organise, household tasks which are so far down the list I know these things will bug me. Ironing/washing is not going to be a top priority but it's necessity will not diminish. And putting clothes away is not going to be easier with the table in the way. And yes, I know you feel you need it but I feel cramped already and it's just added to my frustration.
Also I work in an unusual way. Talking to other students I have worked with I realised that most students need breaks from the work. I prefer to bash away at it when I get into the groove. I am sorry but it is the way my mind works. Maybe it is because I am slow, maybe it is the dyslexia or maybe it just is my learning style. But at the end of the day my entire life is not about assignments so it doesn't really matter as long as I get the work done. A few times this week just as I have got near the zone either you or Craig has disrupted me. That's okay - I should expect to be disturbed by my family but please try to consider how I work best and interrupt me only when it really is necessary. Oh and a couple of days eating pizza where you and Craig slammed it in the oven and 25 mins later it was done would have helped me tremendously. These days Craig could even show you how to use the pressure cooker and as long as you put 2 pints water in you would turn out a decent meal.
I am not coping, I am depressed, I am not in the best place. You are also in a bad place which means you are demanding of me. Normally okay but just this week it is too much. I feel I have neglected you for my work - and work that I have been stuck in a rut with until now which makes it worse. I feel you have construed this neglect as personal when really it is about me being busy with something short term which ultimately should benefit our family. I hope you see my point of view and maybe even agree with where or how the misunderstanding occurred. I love you. I am not my usual patient self right now but I still love you and normal business will be resolved in the next couple of days.
Please hug me, kiss me, comfort me still - you have become very good at the latter two in recent months and the former you never needed to improve anyway. I didn't mean you any harm yesterday. I am exasperated but that is not your fault. I am under pressure but that is not your fault. I am tired but that is not your fault. I have little fuse left though and it doesn't take much from you or Craig to make me flip at the moment. I cannot see your point of view today. I cannot appreciate you perspective today. I am likely to be angry today. Please recognise that it's not you or me or Craig causing my rattiness but my inability to cope under the pressure. Please tell me straight away if I upset you so I can put it right instead of not realising like yesterday. Help me to learn from my mistakes. And please don't push my buttons about girls or age or wrinkles, in two weeks it won't be so bad but I can't deal with it right now. (I expect you still to tell me stuff about Sarah, just not that she looks 24, 22 or 6!)
I love you and I apologise for hurting your feelings. It was not intentional, it was just defensive."

Sunday 5 June 2011

Skivvy, Little Helper or Partner in the True Sense of the Word?

I don't always feel like a partner. Sometimes I do. Like the times I get recognition for the housework I did that day. Or when Richard shares a joke between us that only he and I understand. Or the times we talk about our future and think about both of our dreams. Or on the very few occasions we go out together without Craig.

But a lot of the time I don't. Because life is draining. It is a constant battle of trying to get everything done but not quite being good enough. The show must go on for Craig and me. School and work, while sympathetic, do not want to hear everyday that we are tired or that we didn't complete some work because we did not sleep. It isn't easy to keep this effort going. Richard doesn't criticise Craig that much but sometimes I feel like everything I do is wrong.

I don't alway have time for me either. I feel like Richard see my time as an extension of his own. His constant delegation of tasks and squeezing of my timetable means that every time I plan to go and do something for myself I find my time eaten up. Before I know it I have had to shelve my own plans. And then resentment sets in.

Sometimes I can have Richard's attention when I need it. But I have learned not to count on it. His agenda always preceeds mine. If I need emotional support it very much depends on where his own mood and head space are at.

I have tried to talk to Richard about how I feel. He has to be in an especially empathetic frame of mind to understand. Now and again he will come to me with great feelings of guilt about how I feel. Most of the time he has no idea what he is putting me through. This will never be an ordinary relationship. I have a choice - stay or go. But don't expect him to change. Fine if he can put the work into do so. But it has to be from him. Not me.

Saturday 4 June 2011

Carers4PD

Carers4PD is an online support group for people in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder. It is a network of people who are going through similar experiences. Carers have the chance to share their feelings without being judged and to be supported and given advice by others who can easily empathise and have their own personal knowledge.


They also have an extensive blog.




RELATED LINKS
Great Big List of Caregiver Blogs

Friday 3 June 2011

Abuse in the Middle of the Night

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. So I went downstairs to the office to work on my blog. I finally went to bed at 4am.

Just before I went to bed I discovered (in the fridge) that Richard had opened a new packet of cheese. The old packet was still half finished and he hadn't bothered to wrap the new pack in cling film. I was irritated because this is not the first time and I have told him it is a waste before.

Richard woke just as I came into the bedroom. In a brief chat I mentioned that I was annoyed about the cheese. Richard responded by telling me I was causing an argument and that I had woken him in the middle of the night regardless of knowing he struggles to sleep in the early hours.


I told him that I had not woken him and that I was telling him something that was a problem to me so that he knew it was an issue for the future. I apologised for perhaps raising it at the wrong time.

Richard did not take my apology seriously. He was in a rage and I was unable to talk to him. He started to take it out on me telling me I am useless, lazy and that everyone hates me. He repeated over and over, "You are an animal, like your dad."

I tried to ignore him. I rolled over and put my fingers in my ears. I thought about going downstairs to sleep, or in our spare room but I was too tired to be bothered. I stopped talking, when he's like this there is no rational conversation. Trying to get my point across is futile.

He pulled the cover off me several times telling me that because I woke him and I know he struggles to sleep that he would not let me sleep. He pushed my head and back several times (without hurting me) with intention of preventing my sleep.

Eventually he grew tired of it. This morning he apologised as if that undoes the damage he had done to me emotionally and through sleep deprivation.




HELP IN CASES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Refuge (women and children emergency accommodation)
Women's Aid (women and children)
Samaritans (experiencing distress and despair)
Rights of Women (informing, educating, empowering women about legal rights)
Men's Advice Line (heterosexual and homosexual men)
Elder Abuse (older vulnerable adults)
Barnardo's (children, young people and families)

Wednesday 1 June 2011

Stop Walking on Eggshells

You don't need to live with someone who has a personality disorder to find this book useful. Many of the techniques described in this book are are useful in any relationship where you find yourself with feelings of being manipulated, someone overstepping the boundaries or those who live in a whirl of conflict you don't feel you can handle. The authors handle the issue sensitively and don't accuse either party of being "bad people". The book focuses on Borderline Personality Disorder but it is easy to see similarities with other personality disorders. I have found this book really useful but I am lucky in that Richard acknowledges his personality disorder. You may want to consider whether or not to share this book with the person who has a personality disorder depending on their ability to acknowledge it. It is not suitable to use the tool to aid your own diagnosis, this can only be undertaken by a qualified physician.

Stop Walking On Eggshells

Saturday 28 May 2011

Family Therapy

We've been going to Family Therapy for a few months now. It's a funny old session. But it has really helped me. I hope eventually it will help us all.

Before Family Therapy, Richard's consultant would call me in now and then to be part of his assessment. He saw Richard several times in between. It was, as I always expected it to be, all about Richard. I felt unsupported but I felt a sense of duty too. I would never have called myself a carer and I would never have dreamed of asking for help and support.

Since Richard's new diagnosis I have benefited greatly from the realisation of his care team that I am part of his life. I suppose I have been fortunate with the postcode lottery because it has afforded us Family Therapy. Richard is still seen by his care team without me present, which is very important.

Family Therapy is held by a group of professionals. We talk too one member mainly and the rest of the team watch the session on video. Every now and then they phone through with pointers and near the end they come into the room and share their thoughts on the session.

Richard has had a few clashes with work and I don't like to pull Craig out of school if I can help it. Overall it has either been me or one or both of the other two. Craig doesn't always have much to say but he likes to be centre of attention and we notice his behaviour change if Richard or I become too self focused.

I still don't know whether Richard takes it seriously. He says disparaging things about the counsellors but when I recently tried to stop going, because I thought there was no point without him, he made a huge effort to be there.

It's been a bit skewed because several sessions have been me on my own. But it has definitely been worth it. I am not made to feel as if the problems we are experiencing are my fault. I have been able to be open about my own behaviour, which can be rather erratic under all this pressure from home. I have come to understand a whole lot more about personality disorder and why Richard does and says the things he does. I have become more at ease talking about the daily struggles we face. I have smiled, told a few stories of good times, told a lot of stories about bad times, cried until I wondered if I could cry no more. I have learned not to wear mascara to these sessions, it may make me feel good on the way in but smudged mascara on the way out doesn't do anything to make me feel better.

I feel listened to. When I talk to friends and family it is hard to know if they are listening because they are interested or because you've cornered them and there is nowhere to turn. I feel they want to shake me and tell me to leave him. I fear they might not want to talk to me again because they know the next episode will be the same as the previous one and I am so wrapped up in my life.

In Family Therapy all our views are valid. Whether it's that Craig has drawn a funny picture, that Richard thinks I am mad, that I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up. It all means something. It's all part of our family tapestry.

I don't know if Richard will be able to keep going. I don't know how long we will be allowed to attend for. But it is so valuable to me at the moment. To know that there are people who can make sense of the mayhem that is our world. To know that they have sensible views and beliefs. To be able to trust them with our self-destruction and the belief that some relief will come from these sessions, slowly but surely.

Friday 27 May 2011

The Carer's Assessment

I recently had my second annual carer's assessment. When I did the one last year I received a form through the post and I filled it in with Richard. In hindsight this may not have been the most sensible thing to do. After all, it was an assessment of myself rather than him. But it felt right at the time.

This year I was called in to see his care coordinator. We went through a long list of questions. How much time do I spend doing practical tasks for Richard? How much time do I spend supporting him emotionally. How much time do I get for myself? Have I been held back by him in terms of opportunities in life? Have I got a lesser quality of life?

It's hard going through with the carer's assessment. The main reason being that I struggle to see myself as a carer. I haven't managed to come up with a different name for myself. But you would probably struggle to see me as a carer too. Richard is able to hold down a full time job or enough part time jobs to be working full time hours. He is incredibly intelligent. He does not require my help filling in forms. He does not need to be toileted. He does not need to be washed. He does not need to be dressed. If I don't do his ironing he is able to do it. If I didn't feed him he would eat. If I didn't talk to him he would talk to his many friends.

Yet I do a lot for Richard too. For a long time I thought the things I was doing were usual things partners do in any relationship. I still think they are... ...only I have to extend myself further than the usual partner would. It's a hard line to draw, a grey area. Where do you stop being a partner and start being a carer? Is it when you feed someone good home-cooked food when you know they would eat rubbish if you didn't? Is it when you iron someone's shirts because they are working themselves into the ground and it's the only thing you can do to show your support? Is it when you allow yourself to be woken at 3 or 4 or 5 or some ungodly hour most mornings until you plead and beg to be allowed to sleep tomorrow morning? Is it when you set up dosette boxes for your partner's medicines and ensure you reorder them in good time? Is it trying to be enthusiastic about the latest great idea that you know will disrupt your family life, yet again? Is it when you listen to him feeling rubbish about himself and try to help him see his good points? Is it being ready to call an ambulance if you find him attempting an overdose? Is it being willing to talk about suicidal thoughts even though it's ripping your heart out? Is it trying to keep on top of the housework so he can focus just on his work and things which are causing him stress?

And at the end of the assessment they ask what they can do to help support you. I asked what they can offer because I didn't know what to ask for. The answer is that there used to be a carer's grant which would pay for a carer to go away and the person they care for to be looked after safely. The grant no longer exists so they can't offer any support. But even if the grant hadn't stopped it would be no use to me and I wouldn't have accepted it. Richard is quite safe to be left alone. If I need to go away for a weekend and I put my mind to it I can do it. It's the day to day strain which is difficult and there's nothing anyone can do to support me with that. Which leaves me wondering if I should just opt out of next years carer's assessment...

Tuesday 24 May 2011

Chaos is Fun

Last night, just as we all went to bed, I passed a comment to Richard about the chaotic lifestyle we lead. I said I can't live like that all the time and there needs to be some stability somewhere within my life. Richard responded by telling me that chaos is fun.

This morning he was looking through his bag and could not find three pieces of paper which had handed me to put in there at the weekend. I remember him passing them to me. I remember sliding them into the bag, down the side of the laptop. At the time he discovered they were missing I was asleep in bed, having already been woken up to iron a shirt I had admittedly promised and forgotten to iron the night before. He came upstairs and told me the pages had gone missing. He was irritable but not threatening. But I knew I was being told to get out of bed now and that he would become extremely angry if I did not get out of bed.

He searched the office. I searched the bag he had already looked in. Richard was frantic. He needed a memory stick so I found one of those and satisfied I had at least done something to help I went back to bed. This is a regular occurrence in our household. I am held responsible for misplacing items I have not misplaced. I have learned to walk away when a crisis can well and truly not have been caused by me.

Is chaos fun? I don't believe it is.

Saturday 21 May 2011

A Difference of Opinion

Yesterday I had a long text conversation with my partner about whether or not to pick him up from somewhere that he had requested me to pick him up from. I have cited below one text from this conversation to demonstrate the sort of conversation we had:

"To be fair, there is no job or task in the house that you can do better or even nearly equal to me. And there are plenty you can't do. Therefore the best function you can perform, logically, is to service me so I can do those jobs and tasks instead of you and do them properly. There is no logic to you doing anything because I eclipse you on everything. Supporting me is the only real purpose. Sadly you think you are better than that, so you sabotage my work and the whole family suffers. All we do is support you and I try to press on in spite of you not helped by you."

Richard and I see things very differently. I think that I work very hard in our house, that he has no care or appreciation for the work that I do and is therefore careless about looking after the work I have undertaken. The lack of attention to keeping surfaces I have cleared clear, floors I have vacuumed clean, tidied up drawers strewn shows to me a definite and evidence-based lack of respect. Richard feels he is very busy, that he deserves one hundred percent of my attention and that I have no feelings. He can do whatever he would like to me, as far as he is concerned, and if I say I am upset it is irrelevant. If I cry it is, in his words, "for attention".

The difference in opinion in this particular instance was caused because I put a boundary down stating that I would only pick him up if he spoke to me with respect and did not continue to tell me I was useless. The outcome was that he relented, promised to abide by my boundaries and I therefore rewarded Richard by collecting him as he had requested.

Friday 20 May 2011

About My Blog

As I sit trying to write the first few words of this blog the I want to start off by saying, "My name is..."

I can't do that though. This blog is about my experiences with a partner who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. I have contemplated this over and over and I have finally decided that the only way I can truly tell my story is by inventing a name. It is an odd thing to do. Rather like when I lost my surname to marriage: even though I really wanted to, something was missing.

However, I must protect my partner's identity as well as his family and any friends, colleagues etc. I may mention. And of course myself. Some of the things I will include in this blog will not be things I am proud of doing, but I think it is important to include them.

So for the purposes of this blog my name is Joanne Sanderson, My partner is Richard and our son is Craig.

If you can identify with any aspect of my blog please feel free to comment or drop me an email.

Bye for now...