The Carer's Assessment

I recently had my second annual carer's assessment. When I did the one last year I received a form through the post and I filled it in with Richard. In hindsight this may not have been the most sensible thing to do. After all, it was an assessment of myself rather than him. But it felt right at the time.

This year I was called in to see his care coordinator. We went through a long list of questions. How much time do I spend doing practical tasks for Richard? How much time do I spend supporting him emotionally. How much time do I get for myself? Have I been held back by him in terms of opportunities in life? Have I got a lesser quality of life?

It's hard going through with the carer's assessment. The main reason being that I struggle to see myself as a carer. I haven't managed to come up with a different name for myself. But you would probably struggle to see me as a carer too. Richard is able to hold down a full time job or enough part time jobs to be working full time hours. He is incredibly intelligent. He does not require my help filling in forms. He does not need to be toileted. He does not need to be washed. He does not need to be dressed. If I don't do his ironing he is able to do it. If I didn't feed him he would eat. If I didn't talk to him he would talk to his many friends.

Yet I do a lot for Richard too. For a long time I thought the things I was doing were usual things partners do in any relationship. I still think they are... ...only I have to extend myself further than the usual partner would. It's a hard line to draw, a grey area. Where do you stop being a partner and start being a carer? Is it when you feed someone good home-cooked food when you know they would eat rubbish if you didn't? Is it when you iron someone's shirts because they are working themselves into the ground and it's the only thing you can do to show your support? Is it when you allow yourself to be woken at 3 or 4 or 5 or some ungodly hour most mornings until you plead and beg to be allowed to sleep tomorrow morning? Is it when you set up dosette boxes for your partner's medicines and ensure you reorder them in good time? Is it trying to be enthusiastic about the latest great idea that you know will disrupt your family life, yet again? Is it when you listen to him feeling rubbish about himself and try to help him see his good points? Is it being ready to call an ambulance if you find him attempting an overdose? Is it being willing to talk about suicidal thoughts even though it's ripping your heart out? Is it trying to keep on top of the housework so he can focus just on his work and things which are causing him stress?

And at the end of the assessment they ask what they can do to help support you. I asked what they can offer because I didn't know what to ask for. The answer is that there used to be a carer's grant which would pay for a carer to go away and the person they care for to be looked after safely. The grant no longer exists so they can't offer any support. But even if the grant hadn't stopped it would be no use to me and I wouldn't have accepted it. Richard is quite safe to be left alone. If I need to go away for a weekend and I put my mind to it I can do it. It's the day to day strain which is difficult and there's nothing anyone can do to support me with that. Which leaves me wondering if I should just opt out of next years carer's assessment...