Monday 21 November 2011

Delirium

Where to start? I actually think I am going mad. I don't even know where it all started to go wrong. Back in September and October I felt like I had things under control. I suppose everyone's feeling the strain at work at the moment. And for that reason I suppose I'm not alone.
But I am alone. Or I feel I am. Because I think my child's behaviour - which is currently atrocious - may be down to all the animosity in our house right now.
Richard's mood has been very well controlled for a while thanks to a brilliant psychiatrist. Sadly he has not had much NHS input this year as he has moved between teams and luckily he found someone excellent in the private sector.
But just these past few weeks he has become irritable. I don't even know why. I have got to know Richard and his conditions well over the past decade. But there are still times when he moves into realms where I just don't get it. Like now.
I am so angry I cannot even put it into words. Yesterday I sobbed so hard and put my hands around my ears. I literally cannot hear anymore abuse. I just want it all to stop. I have started looking at jobs back where my parents live. I don't want to leave. But I can't live in this distress any longer.
When I say something Richard makes a joke (I lost my sense of humour a few weeks ago) or he gets annoyed. He doesn't see the work I do to keep this family together. He sees himself working all the time. That's because he's a workaholic. But he doesn't see what I am doing. Just now he has taken a whole load of stuff off my list. Which should help...
...except he keeps going on about me not doing x, not doing y. Because he is doing something to support me. But he is jabbing me with words every time he does something. Every time he does the dishwasher I am supposed to say, "thank you". Every time he irons a shirt I hear all about how he ironed a shirt. This guy could iron shirts before I was his girlfriend. Why would I need to make a big deal because he did it?
I am knackered because he needs me to pick up after him all the time. But now I have asked for support - and I am seriously depressed - I am getting it. But it is being totally undone by the person who is supposed to support me. Because I get sarcastic comments and nasty remarks.
Is it totally inconceivable that a man can support his partner? How can someone in temper throw wires all over a room and expect someone else to pick them all up? How can someone expect their partner to support them and never be supportive? How can someone take, take, take and never give without taking?
I know I sound bitter. But things really are not okay. Can I continue to live like this? I don't think I can. I have been so committed for so long. But when is enough enough? When is it time to call it a day? When do you know that the person who says, "I love you." really doesn't? How do I know if I am being weak or if I am sane? Do I even love him any more? How do I make up my mind? Am I just in that perpetual domestic violence cycle? Or am I onto a good thing? Am I taking things for granted?