Skivvy, Little Helper or Partner in the True Sense of the Word?

I don't always feel like a partner. Sometimes I do. Like the times I get recognition for the housework I did that day. Or when Richard shares a joke between us that only he and I understand. Or the times we talk about our future and think about both of our dreams. Or on the very few occasions we go out together without Craig.

But a lot of the time I don't. Because life is draining. It is a constant battle of trying to get everything done but not quite being good enough. The show must go on for Craig and me. School and work, while sympathetic, do not want to hear everyday that we are tired or that we didn't complete some work because we did not sleep. It isn't easy to keep this effort going. Richard doesn't criticise Craig that much but sometimes I feel like everything I do is wrong.

I don't alway have time for me either. I feel like Richard see my time as an extension of his own. His constant delegation of tasks and squeezing of my timetable means that every time I plan to go and do something for myself I find my time eaten up. Before I know it I have had to shelve my own plans. And then resentment sets in.

Sometimes I can have Richard's attention when I need it. But I have learned not to count on it. His agenda always preceeds mine. If I need emotional support it very much depends on where his own mood and head space are at.

I have tried to talk to Richard about how I feel. He has to be in an especially empathetic frame of mind to understand. Now and again he will come to me with great feelings of guilt about how I feel. Most of the time he has no idea what he is putting me through. This will never be an ordinary relationship. I have a choice - stay or go. But don't expect him to change. Fine if he can put the work into do so. But it has to be from him. Not me.