Woman Trouble

Let me introduce you to Sarah. I wish I had started writing this blog a little over a year ago when Richard met Sarah on a course they both attended. But I didn't really know what a blog was back then. It would have been good to share the journey as it went along and daily thoughts and feelings.

Sarah captivated Richard almost from day one. He bought new items for his wardrobe, attended college on days when he didn't have to and made him think of any excuse to meet up with her or chat with her.

Sarah appeared a bit bemused by the attention at first. She answered a few of his e-mails and texts in a semi-flirtatious style, I felt because she was being friendly. She very quickly worked out what he was about and started qualifying answers with questions about myself and Craig.

At no stage did I ever feel threatened by Sarah. She made me feel at ease. I knew she was not being drawn into Richard's obsession. But Richard really upset me. At first Sarah appeared to me to be like any other fantasy woman he had gone on about. But it slowly dawned on me that something really huge was going on here. Richard became very depressed. The more Sarah withdrew, the more depressed he became. I became very involved in their relationship. I am sure Sarah had no idea that I did. Every time Richard wanted to contact her he was running it by me. Every time she said something I heard all about it. I gave advice on stepping back himself, giving her some space and then, when Richard felt he wanted to contact her again I was encouraging about it. He no longer trusted himself to make a good decision and was relying on me for that judgement.

All the time my heart was being ripped out. When Richard was depressed and needed me I felt very close to him. In some ways these were some of the best days of our relationship because I really felt needed. At the same time I was being emotionally crushed. Richard could not differentiate between when I needed space and when I needed closeness. He was not interested in how much strain I could bear. I don't even think now he understands what a hard time it was for me.

Sarah and Richard are hardly in touch now. Richard is still working through his feelings, he probably will be for the rest of his life, but Sarah, who made it blatant to me early on has made it blatant to Richard that they will never be together romantically. Now Richard is stronger I can tell him how it makes me feel. He thinks these feelings are new. He thinks I was okay. He doesn't know that I had stomach cramps, felt lonely, didn't know where to turn or what to do. He says I make it up and he tells me this contempt is new.

He doesn't realise that I liked Sarah. That I thought she was a good 'un. That it was Richard who hurt me. That it is Richard I blame for my leftover feelings of despair and relief.

Borderline Personality Disorder - Features

The New England Journal of Medicine has a review about the characteristics and features of borderline personality disorder.

One of the brightest people I know

Richard is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. A lot of what I am writing about in this blog is about the struggle of life living with him. This post is about his other side. Many people who know someone with a personality disorder will describe them as a bit of a "Jekyll and Hyde". Reading through my blog you would be forgiven for wondering what I see in Richard or why I stay with him. Certainly he has his moments where he lacks common sense but equally he can be quite amazing.

I don't know anyone who has the depth of knowledge of so many different subject areas as Richard. Or who can apply theories from one discipline to another with such ease. If he tells me he spoke to someone who was difficult to talk to I know he really must mean it. Richard can hold conversations with most people easily.

There is never a dull moment living with Richard. It can be draining at times. It is difficult to keep up with his level of energy. But I have done a lot more with my life thanks to Richard. He is a motivator. And not just for me. He has recruited lots of people to various voluntary roles. He is frequently an inspiration.

Boundaries

I was in a relationship with Richard long before he was diagnosed with a personality disorder. And while I didn't know what his eventual diagnosis would be, I did have some sort of feeling that my boundaries were being trodden on which was why I was starting to feel so rubbish myself.

I am lead to believe that boundaries are the way forward if I wish to continue a life being Richard's partner. This sounds quite simple but in reality it isn't. If I lay down a boundary he laughs at me, tells me he's not doing it or ignores me completely.

I have told him and told him. I don't want drawers to be left open, washing up left in the sink, to do all the ironing. But this is not setting boundaries. To me I am telling him what I want, what I need in order to improve the way I feel about life. This constant chaos is not where my mind naturally fits. To him I am just nagging.

So I need to bring in consequences. Ironic because I am to all intents and purposes controlled by Richard and one of his mechanisms is to use consequences.

I have begun my first proper foray into consequences: If Richard drops clothes on the floor I will stop ironing his shirts. Well I have to start somewhere, and it might as well be with something small that's going to make a difference.

Feel free to give me some pointers in the comments section below.....

Sometimes he's the best father in the world

He takes him for family walks. He answers his endless questions. He tells him about fascinating facts. He takes times with him over his hamster. He shows him short funny films. He knows exactly what to do when he's in pain. He spends a lot of time making special memories with him.

Richard and Craig have a great time together. They have a special bond. If they are separated overnight they both miss each other terribly. is away Craig misses him terribly.

Richard can't do it every day but he loves picking Craig up from school. Craig enjoys this too because it's a change from Mummy.

They have a great time together. I sometimes feel a bit left out. I don't think anyone has ever cared so much for me as those two do for each other.

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Sometimes it's like being a single parent

Sometimes it's like being a single parent

I have one son and one partner. In an ideal world I would have mutual support from my partner and mainly support our son.

My world entails a lot more support for my partner Richard than I ever anticipated when we got together. I knew Richard for a few years before we started going out together. He was one of the most dynamic people I knew. I felt motivated by his passion for so many activities. He had lived away from home (which my previous boyfriend never had).

He was diagnosed with a mental illness, different from his current diagnosis, a couple of years before we hooked up. It didn't bother me. He was really well, lived a normal life, held down a full time course or job.

He still does. He works more hours than I do on a full time contract. He holds down several extracurricular activities. He manages to squeeze in some family time. So why is it sometimes like being a single parent?

Richard can be rude and aggressive. He can absolutely refuse any responsibility for anything to do with the house. He will promise to pick up the clothes littering his office but leave them for several weeks, he will promise not to pull all the clothes from his wardrobe onto our bedroom floor but forget, he expects me to know where every item he possesses is located despite being the most untidy person I have ever met.

Every time something goes wrong I am meant to bail Richard out. Every time I refuse to or can't I am berated and blamed. Every time I lay responsibility at his door he tells me I lack responsibility. Richard really is a teenager in a grown man's body.




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Sometimes he's the best father in the world

Dear Richard, I just had to say something, from Joanne x

"You know what? There will be some 25 year old girls out there who don't find themselves attracted to you (but equally there will be some aged 45 and 35 who don't either). But you are not too old for some 25 year old girls to find you attractive. It's not that there's anything wrong with you - it's just that some people don't fancy you. No issue - no one is fancied by everyone they meet. Not even Prince William! So no, you don't need to take what I said to heart or believe that it is a problem, because it isn't.
Please understand that while I personally have no issue with my age, I do have an issue with society having an issue with my age. There is a lot of media and peer pressure for women to take 10 years off the age they look by using potions, creams, surgery etc. I don't care about how old I am but I feel society will consider me a failure if I can't take 10 years off. I am trying to explain the rationale for why I don't have a problem with my age while still feeling sensitive to it. It isn't so black and white as you have been making out. I have one part of my face which disturbs me and that is my frown lines. That is not because I don't want to look my age but because society tells me I am a failure when my face starts to crease up. From 21 I have been able to see that the first place I would get obvious lines is my frown. Many women have crows feet at my age and I am fortunate not to have them but I am sure that would make me feel a failure too.
So yes, I feel threatened when you talk about age and other people's ages, but not for the reasons you think. And at the moment I am really struggling to feel good about anything: I am knee deep in assignments and my diary is full of places I need to go over the next few weeks, meetings I need to organise, household tasks which are so far down the list I know these things will bug me. Ironing/washing is not going to be a top priority but it's necessity will not diminish. And putting clothes away is not going to be easier with the table in the way. And yes, I know you feel you need it but I feel cramped already and it's just added to my frustration.
Also I work in an unusual way. Talking to other students I have worked with I realised that most students need breaks from the work. I prefer to bash away at it when I get into the groove. I am sorry but it is the way my mind works. Maybe it is because I am slow, maybe it is the dyslexia or maybe it just is my learning style. But at the end of the day my entire life is not about assignments so it doesn't really matter as long as I get the work done. A few times this week just as I have got near the zone either you or Craig has disrupted me. That's okay - I should expect to be disturbed by my family but please try to consider how I work best and interrupt me only when it really is necessary. Oh and a couple of days eating pizza where you and Craig slammed it in the oven and 25 mins later it was done would have helped me tremendously. These days Craig could even show you how to use the pressure cooker and as long as you put 2 pints water in you would turn out a decent meal.
I am not coping, I am depressed, I am not in the best place. You are also in a bad place which means you are demanding of me. Normally okay but just this week it is too much. I feel I have neglected you for my work - and work that I have been stuck in a rut with until now which makes it worse. I feel you have construed this neglect as personal when really it is about me being busy with something short term which ultimately should benefit our family. I hope you see my point of view and maybe even agree with where or how the misunderstanding occurred. I love you. I am not my usual patient self right now but I still love you and normal business will be resolved in the next couple of days.
Please hug me, kiss me, comfort me still - you have become very good at the latter two in recent months and the former you never needed to improve anyway. I didn't mean you any harm yesterday. I am exasperated but that is not your fault. I am under pressure but that is not your fault. I am tired but that is not your fault. I have little fuse left though and it doesn't take much from you or Craig to make me flip at the moment. I cannot see your point of view today. I cannot appreciate you perspective today. I am likely to be angry today. Please recognise that it's not you or me or Craig causing my rattiness but my inability to cope under the pressure. Please tell me straight away if I upset you so I can put it right instead of not realising like yesterday. Help me to learn from my mistakes. And please don't push my buttons about girls or age or wrinkles, in two weeks it won't be so bad but I can't deal with it right now. (I expect you still to tell me stuff about Sarah, just not that she looks 24, 22 or 6!)
I love you and I apologise for hurting your feelings. It was not intentional, it was just defensive."