Richard and Rose

We met Rose and Ian a few years ago just before our son was born. I never hit it off with the mums in this particular group. I have no idea why, I'm sure they're nice people but I found them a bit dull.
For some reason Richard took to Rose. From the day we met her he talked about how magical she was. I never saw it, and she didn't appear to have very much interest in us.
In 2007 I joined Facebook and since Rose and another mum from that group were in my e-mail list I connected with them. Shortly after Richard joined up too and also connected to Rose.
Somewhere along the line they decided to meet up for coffee. No big deal: they swapped phone numbers and met up. She got completely smashed which I thought was rather inappropriate but since Rose and Richard weren't in touch that much it didn't seem much to worry about.
Last year was a very wobbly year for Richard and me. He became very obsessed with Sarah. During this time he was very unhappy about being in a relationship with me. I almost left several times because I was convinced Richard did not love me. The abuse was on the backburner, he needed emotional support through his obsession and all the time my heart was being ripped out by his apparent love for another woman I had to be there because he wanted me to give advice on how to deal with her.
Richard confided in Rose. I have no idea why. Suddenly she was on his list of best friends. I didn't think she was that keen on him but now she was having to cope with his neediness for their relationship, to my surprise she was putting up with it. And then Rose did something I wasn't expecting. She agreed with Richard that he had fallen in love with Sarah, and that it had happened really quickly. She never once reminded him he was in a relationship with me. She was enjoying the tension and she wanted to see our relationship end. Rose told him from his stories that Sarah had been flirting with him. She encouraged his fantasies and told him his relationship with me was pointless. How on earth she would have felt if Ian and I had behaved this way I can only guess.
I contacted Rose asking politely why she spoke to Richard and never me. She was reticent in being honest with me. She said that she and I didn't click. I knew this. But I had no idea why she was pursuing my partner in this fashion.
She took my questioning to be jealousy. But I wasn't jealous. She was a bad influence and strain on my relationship and I didn't want her damaging me that way. Or Richard, he was vulnerable at the time. I asked if I could speak to her but she refused. She said if I had any issues with their relationship I should take it up with Richard. Sounds fair enough doesn't it? Except Richard didn't want to know how any of this was affecting me because Rose was allowing him to live out his fantasies. Rose had no principles and didn't care how I felt. She made that crystal clear. Validation is critically important to me. We all have our weaknesses. One of Richard's is his abandonment complex. Mine is needing to be heard.
And because I had contacted Rose she went behind my back and told Richard I had been offensive, this made him adore her even more. They both felt I was the bad party here and they ganged up against me. They shared texts and secret phonecalls to plot how to deal with my alleged jealousy.
What Rose didn't know was that my annoyance with their relationship came as a result of Richard's abandonment complex and her wanting gossip and fuelling his fantasies about Sarah. My relationship with Richard was directly threatened by theirs. I was confident Sarah was not interested in Richard. Richard came to me gloating because Rose was the one person who had indulged him. When I asked if she had even questioned him about me in all this he happily told me she couldn't care less about me. In fact she hated me. I had done absolutely nothing to offend this woman. He then went on to tell me what a great friend she was, how she understood him and how he would leave me rather than lose her. He told me to leave her alone and never to contact her again. I told him not to be so silly, she met us both at the same time. She couldn't choose him and not me. It was both or neither. She had even agreed in an e-mail that she was my friend (grudgingly I admit).

Richard is insecure about friends and always has to point out that people like him more than me. This can't possibly be true for every person we meet but he likes me to feel beneath him in this matter. It has become a sore point. I never cared how many friends I had. But Richard has made this a competition. If someone doesn't like him more he will try to convince me they are bad people. He cannot see that like Rose feels more for him than she does me, other people feel more for me than him. That's life. No big deal. He has made it into a big deal.
The consequence of all this is that they are now texting and e-mailing secretly so that they can do what they want. I am left on the outside, powerless. Every time I find out accidentally that they have been in touch I get problems with my stomach. Every single time. And it's there for a week. I am ill because of their communication.
In truth I have no objection to their friendship, though it would be great if Rose could be more objective over Richard's obsessions with other women. They are always a passing phase, painful for him and me both, but not forever. He and I have a special bond, our friendship is very strong which is how we have weathered the huge emotional changes within him. And it would be nice if Richard and Rose would stop treating me like a fool and play nicely and fairly. I deserve a lot more respect. Right now I feel I have never met anyone so nasty, selfish and unempathetic as Rose, who appears to be revelling in my angst. And ironically the only person who matches her is Richard, so maybe they deserve each other. If only they wouldn't team up against me and make me miserable.

Woman Trouble

Let me introduce you to Sarah. I wish I had started writing this blog a little over a year ago when Richard met Sarah on a course they both attended. But I didn't really know what a blog was back then. It would have been good to share the journey as it went along and daily thoughts and feelings.

Sarah captivated Richard almost from day one. He bought new items for his wardrobe, attended college on days when he didn't have to and made him think of any excuse to meet up with her or chat with her.

Sarah appeared a bit bemused by the attention at first. She answered a few of his e-mails and texts in a semi-flirtatious style, I felt because she was being friendly. She very quickly worked out what he was about and started qualifying answers with questions about myself and Craig.

At no stage did I ever feel threatened by Sarah. She made me feel at ease. I knew she was not being drawn into Richard's obsession. But Richard really upset me. At first Sarah appeared to me to be like any other fantasy woman he had gone on about. But it slowly dawned on me that something really huge was going on here. Richard became very depressed. The more Sarah withdrew, the more depressed he became. I became very involved in their relationship. I am sure Sarah had no idea that I did. Every time Richard wanted to contact her he was running it by me. Every time she said something I heard all about it. I gave advice on stepping back himself, giving her some space and then, when Richard felt he wanted to contact her again I was encouraging about it. He no longer trusted himself to make a good decision and was relying on me for that judgement.

All the time my heart was being ripped out. When Richard was depressed and needed me I felt very close to him. In some ways these were some of the best days of our relationship because I really felt needed. At the same time I was being emotionally crushed. Richard could not differentiate between when I needed space and when I needed closeness. He was not interested in how much strain I could bear. I don't even think now he understands what a hard time it was for me.

Sarah and Richard are hardly in touch now. Richard is still working through his feelings, he probably will be for the rest of his life, but Sarah, who made it blatant to me early on has made it blatant to Richard that they will never be together romantically. Now Richard is stronger I can tell him how it makes me feel. He thinks these feelings are new. He thinks I was okay. He doesn't know that I had stomach cramps, felt lonely, didn't know where to turn or what to do. He says I make it up and he tells me this contempt is new.

He doesn't realise that I liked Sarah. That I thought she was a good 'un. That it was Richard who hurt me. That it is Richard I blame for my leftover feelings of despair and relief.

One of the brightest people I know

Richard is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. A lot of what I am writing about in this blog is about the struggle of life living with him. This post is about his other side. Many people who know someone with a personality disorder will describe them as a bit of a "Jekyll and Hyde". Reading through my blog you would be forgiven for wondering what I see in Richard or why I stay with him. Certainly he has his moments where he lacks common sense but equally he can be quite amazing.

I don't know anyone who has the depth of knowledge of so many different subject areas as Richard. Or who can apply theories from one discipline to another with such ease. If he tells me he spoke to someone who was difficult to talk to I know he really must mean it. Richard can hold conversations with most people easily.

There is never a dull moment living with Richard. It can be draining at times. It is difficult to keep up with his level of energy. But I have done a lot more with my life thanks to Richard. He is a motivator. And not just for me. He has recruited lots of people to various voluntary roles. He is frequently an inspiration.

Family Therapy

We've been going to Family Therapy for a few months now. It's a funny old session. But it has really helped me. I hope eventually it will help us all.

Before Family Therapy, Richard's consultant would call me in now and then to be part of his assessment. He saw Richard several times in between. It was, as I always expected it to be, all about Richard. I felt unsupported but I felt a sense of duty too. I would never have called myself a carer and I would never have dreamed of asking for help and support.

Since Richard's new diagnosis I have benefited greatly from the realisation of his care team that I am part of his life. I suppose I have been fortunate with the postcode lottery because it has afforded us Family Therapy. Richard is still seen by his care team without me present, which is very important.

Family Therapy is held by a group of professionals. We talk too one member mainly and the rest of the team watch the session on video. Every now and then they phone through with pointers and near the end they come into the room and share their thoughts on the session.

Richard has had a few clashes with work and I don't like to pull Craig out of school if I can help it. Overall it has either been me or one or both of the other two. Craig doesn't always have much to say but he likes to be centre of attention and we notice his behaviour change if Richard or I become too self focused.

I still don't know whether Richard takes it seriously. He says disparaging things about the counsellors but when I recently tried to stop going, because I thought there was no point without him, he made a huge effort to be there.

It's been a bit skewed because several sessions have been me on my own. But it has definitely been worth it. I am not made to feel as if the problems we are experiencing are my fault. I have been able to be open about my own behaviour, which can be rather erratic under all this pressure from home. I have come to understand a whole lot more about personality disorder and why Richard does and says the things he does. I have become more at ease talking about the daily struggles we face. I have smiled, told a few stories of good times, told a lot of stories about bad times, cried until I wondered if I could cry no more. I have learned not to wear mascara to these sessions, it may make me feel good on the way in but smudged mascara on the way out doesn't do anything to make me feel better.

I feel listened to. When I talk to friends and family it is hard to know if they are listening because they are interested or because you've cornered them and there is nowhere to turn. I feel they want to shake me and tell me to leave him. I fear they might not want to talk to me again because they know the next episode will be the same as the previous one and I am so wrapped up in my life.

In Family Therapy all our views are valid. Whether it's that Craig has drawn a funny picture, that Richard thinks I am mad, that I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up. It all means something. It's all part of our family tapestry.

I don't know if Richard will be able to keep going. I don't know how long we will be allowed to attend for. But it is so valuable to me at the moment. To know that there are people who can make sense of the mayhem that is our world. To know that they have sensible views and beliefs. To be able to trust them with our self-destruction and the belief that some relief will come from these sessions, slowly but surely.