Sometimes it's like being a single parent

I have one son and one partner. In an ideal world I would have mutual support from my partner and mainly support our son.

My world entails a lot more support for my partner Richard than I ever anticipated when we got together. I knew Richard for a few years before we started going out together. He was one of the most dynamic people I knew. I felt motivated by his passion for so many activities. He had lived away from home (which my previous boyfriend never had).

He was diagnosed with a mental illness, different from his current diagnosis, a couple of years before we hooked up. It didn't bother me. He was really well, lived a normal life, held down a full time course or job.

He still does. He works more hours than I do on a full time contract. He holds down several extracurricular activities. He manages to squeeze in some family time. So why is it sometimes like being a single parent?

Richard can be rude and aggressive. He can absolutely refuse any responsibility for anything to do with the house. He will promise to pick up the clothes littering his office but leave them for several weeks, he will promise not to pull all the clothes from his wardrobe onto our bedroom floor but forget, he expects me to know where every item he possesses is located despite being the most untidy person I have ever met.

Every time something goes wrong I am meant to bail Richard out. Every time I refuse to or can't I am berated and blamed. Every time I lay responsibility at his door he tells me I lack responsibility. Richard really is a teenager in a grown man's body.




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Carers4PD

Carers4PD is an online support group for people in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder. It is a network of people who are going through similar experiences. Carers have the chance to share their feelings without being judged and to be supported and given advice by others who can easily empathise and have their own personal knowledge.

They also have an extensive blog.




RELATED LINKS
Great Big List of Caregiver Blogs

Stop Walking on Eggshells

You don't need to live with someone who has a personality disorder to find this book useful. Many of the techniques described in this book are are useful in any relationship where you find yourself with feelings of being manipulated, someone overstepping the boundaries or those who live in a whirl of conflict you don't feel you can handle. The authors handle the issue sensitively and don't accuse either party of being "bad people". The book focuses on Borderline Personality Disorder but it is easy to see similarities with other personality disorders. I have found this book really useful but I am lucky in that Richard acknowledges his personality disorder. You may want to consider whether or not to share this book with the person who has a personality disorder depending on their ability to acknowledge it. It is not suitable to use the tool to aid your own diagnosis, this can only be undertaken by a qualified physician.

Stop Walking On Eggshells

Family Therapy

We've been going to Family Therapy for a few months now. It's a funny old session. But it has really helped me. I hope eventually it will help us all.

Before Family Therapy, Richard's consultant would call me in now and then to be part of his assessment. He saw Richard several times in between. It was, as I always expected it to be, all about Richard. I felt unsupported but I felt a sense of duty too. I would never have called myself a carer and I would never have dreamed of asking for help and support.

Since Richard's new diagnosis I have benefited greatly from the realisation of his care team that I am part of his life. I suppose I have been fortunate with the postcode lottery because it has afforded us Family Therapy. Richard is still seen by his care team without me present, which is very important.

Family Therapy is held by a group of professionals. We talk too one member mainly and the rest of the team watch the session on video. Every now and then they phone through with pointers and near the end they come into the room and share their thoughts on the session.

Richard has had a few clashes with work and I don't like to pull Craig out of school if I can help it. Overall it has either been me or one or both of the other two. Craig doesn't always have much to say but he likes to be centre of attention and we notice his behaviour change if Richard or I become too self focused.

I still don't know whether Richard takes it seriously. He says disparaging things about the counsellors but when I recently tried to stop going, because I thought there was no point without him, he made a huge effort to be there.

It's been a bit skewed because several sessions have been me on my own. But it has definitely been worth it. I am not made to feel as if the problems we are experiencing are my fault. I have been able to be open about my own behaviour, which can be rather erratic under all this pressure from home. I have come to understand a whole lot more about personality disorder and why Richard does and says the things he does. I have become more at ease talking about the daily struggles we face. I have smiled, told a few stories of good times, told a lot of stories about bad times, cried until I wondered if I could cry no more. I have learned not to wear mascara to these sessions, it may make me feel good on the way in but smudged mascara on the way out doesn't do anything to make me feel better.

I feel listened to. When I talk to friends and family it is hard to know if they are listening because they are interested or because you've cornered them and there is nowhere to turn. I feel they want to shake me and tell me to leave him. I fear they might not want to talk to me again because they know the next episode will be the same as the previous one and I am so wrapped up in my life.

In Family Therapy all our views are valid. Whether it's that Craig has drawn a funny picture, that Richard thinks I am mad, that I just want to curl up in a ball and never wake up. It all means something. It's all part of our family tapestry.

I don't know if Richard will be able to keep going. I don't know how long we will be allowed to attend for. But it is so valuable to me at the moment. To know that there are people who can make sense of the mayhem that is our world. To know that they have sensible views and beliefs. To be able to trust them with our self-destruction and the belief that some relief will come from these sessions, slowly but surely.

The Carer's Assessment

I recently had my second annual carer's assessment. When I did the one last year I received a form through the post and I filled it in with Richard. In hindsight this may not have been the most sensible thing to do. After all, it was an assessment of myself rather than him. But it felt right at the time.

This year I was called in to see his care coordinator. We went through a long list of questions. How much time do I spend doing practical tasks for Richard? How much time do I spend supporting him emotionally. How much time do I get for myself? Have I been held back by him in terms of opportunities in life? Have I got a lesser quality of life?

It's hard going through with the carer's assessment. The main reason being that I struggle to see myself as a carer. I haven't managed to come up with a different name for myself. But you would probably struggle to see me as a carer too. Richard is able to hold down a full time job or enough part time jobs to be working full time hours. He is incredibly intelligent. He does not require my help filling in forms. He does not need to be toileted. He does not need to be washed. He does not need to be dressed. If I don't do his ironing he is able to do it. If I didn't feed him he would eat. If I didn't talk to him he would talk to his many friends.

Yet I do a lot for Richard too. For a long time I thought the things I was doing were usual things partners do in any relationship. I still think they are... ...only I have to extend myself further than the usual partner would. It's a hard line to draw, a grey area. Where do you stop being a partner and start being a carer? Is it when you feed someone good home-cooked food when you know they would eat rubbish if you didn't? Is it when you iron someone's shirts because they are working themselves into the ground and it's the only thing you can do to show your support? Is it when you allow yourself to be woken at 3 or 4 or 5 or some ungodly hour most mornings until you plead and beg to be allowed to sleep tomorrow morning? Is it when you set up dosette boxes for your partner's medicines and ensure you reorder them in good time? Is it trying to be enthusiastic about the latest great idea that you know will disrupt your family life, yet again? Is it when you listen to him feeling rubbish about himself and try to help him see his good points? Is it being ready to call an ambulance if you find him attempting an overdose? Is it being willing to talk about suicidal thoughts even though it's ripping your heart out? Is it trying to keep on top of the housework so he can focus just on his work and things which are causing him stress?

And at the end of the assessment they ask what they can do to help support you. I asked what they can offer because I didn't know what to ask for. The answer is that there used to be a carer's grant which would pay for a carer to go away and the person they care for to be looked after safely. The grant no longer exists so they can't offer any support. But even if the grant hadn't stopped it would be no use to me and I wouldn't have accepted it. Richard is quite safe to be left alone. If I need to go away for a weekend and I put my mind to it I can do it. It's the day to day strain which is difficult and there's nothing anyone can do to support me with that. Which leaves me wondering if I should just opt out of next years carer's assessment...