Richard and Rose

We met Rose and Ian a few years ago just before our son was born. I never hit it off with the mums in this particular group. I have no idea why, I'm sure they're nice people but I found them a bit dull.
For some reason Richard took to Rose. From the day we met her he talked about how magical she was. I never saw it, and she didn't appear to have very much interest in us.
In 2007 I joined Facebook and since Rose and another mum from that group were in my e-mail list I connected with them. Shortly after Richard joined up too and also connected to Rose.
Somewhere along the line they decided to meet up for coffee. No big deal: they swapped phone numbers and met up. She got completely smashed which I thought was rather inappropriate but since Rose and Richard weren't in touch that much it didn't seem much to worry about.
Last year was a very wobbly year for Richard and me. He became very obsessed with Sarah. During this time he was very unhappy about being in a relationship with me. I almost left several times because I was convinced Richard did not love me. The abuse was on the backburner, he needed emotional support through his obsession and all the time my heart was being ripped out by his apparent love for another woman I had to be there because he wanted me to give advice on how to deal with her.
Richard confided in Rose. I have no idea why. Suddenly she was on his list of best friends. I didn't think she was that keen on him but now she was having to cope with his neediness for their relationship, to my surprise she was putting up with it. And then Rose did something I wasn't expecting. She agreed with Richard that he had fallen in love with Sarah, and that it had happened really quickly. She never once reminded him he was in a relationship with me. She was enjoying the tension and she wanted to see our relationship end. Rose told him from his stories that Sarah had been flirting with him. She encouraged his fantasies and told him his relationship with me was pointless. How on earth she would have felt if Ian and I had behaved this way I can only guess.
I contacted Rose asking politely why she spoke to Richard and never me. She was reticent in being honest with me. She said that she and I didn't click. I knew this. But I had no idea why she was pursuing my partner in this fashion.
She took my questioning to be jealousy. But I wasn't jealous. She was a bad influence and strain on my relationship and I didn't want her damaging me that way. Or Richard, he was vulnerable at the time. I asked if I could speak to her but she refused. She said if I had any issues with their relationship I should take it up with Richard. Sounds fair enough doesn't it? Except Richard didn't want to know how any of this was affecting me because Rose was allowing him to live out his fantasies. Rose had no principles and didn't care how I felt. She made that crystal clear. Validation is critically important to me. We all have our weaknesses. One of Richard's is his abandonment complex. Mine is needing to be heard.
And because I had contacted Rose she went behind my back and told Richard I had been offensive, this made him adore her even more. They both felt I was the bad party here and they ganged up against me. They shared texts and secret phonecalls to plot how to deal with my alleged jealousy.
What Rose didn't know was that my annoyance with their relationship came as a result of Richard's abandonment complex and her wanting gossip and fuelling his fantasies about Sarah. My relationship with Richard was directly threatened by theirs. I was confident Sarah was not interested in Richard. Richard came to me gloating because Rose was the one person who had indulged him. When I asked if she had even questioned him about me in all this he happily told me she couldn't care less about me. In fact she hated me. I had done absolutely nothing to offend this woman. He then went on to tell me what a great friend she was, how she understood him and how he would leave me rather than lose her. He told me to leave her alone and never to contact her again. I told him not to be so silly, she met us both at the same time. She couldn't choose him and not me. It was both or neither. She had even agreed in an e-mail that she was my friend (grudgingly I admit).

Richard is insecure about friends and always has to point out that people like him more than me. This can't possibly be true for every person we meet but he likes me to feel beneath him in this matter. It has become a sore point. I never cared how many friends I had. But Richard has made this a competition. If someone doesn't like him more he will try to convince me they are bad people. He cannot see that like Rose feels more for him than she does me, other people feel more for me than him. That's life. No big deal. He has made it into a big deal.
The consequence of all this is that they are now texting and e-mailing secretly so that they can do what they want. I am left on the outside, powerless. Every time I find out accidentally that they have been in touch I get problems with my stomach. Every single time. And it's there for a week. I am ill because of their communication.
In truth I have no objection to their friendship, though it would be great if Rose could be more objective over Richard's obsessions with other women. They are always a passing phase, painful for him and me both, but not forever. He and I have a special bond, our friendship is very strong which is how we have weathered the huge emotional changes within him. And it would be nice if Richard and Rose would stop treating me like a fool and play nicely and fairly. I deserve a lot more respect. Right now I feel I have never met anyone so nasty, selfish and unempathetic as Rose, who appears to be revelling in my angst. And ironically the only person who matches her is Richard, so maybe they deserve each other. If only they wouldn't team up against me and make me miserable.

Woman Trouble

Let me introduce you to Sarah. I wish I had started writing this blog a little over a year ago when Richard met Sarah on a course they both attended. But I didn't really know what a blog was back then. It would have been good to share the journey as it went along and daily thoughts and feelings.

Sarah captivated Richard almost from day one. He bought new items for his wardrobe, attended college on days when he didn't have to and made him think of any excuse to meet up with her or chat with her.

Sarah appeared a bit bemused by the attention at first. She answered a few of his e-mails and texts in a semi-flirtatious style, I felt because she was being friendly. She very quickly worked out what he was about and started qualifying answers with questions about myself and Craig.

At no stage did I ever feel threatened by Sarah. She made me feel at ease. I knew she was not being drawn into Richard's obsession. But Richard really upset me. At first Sarah appeared to me to be like any other fantasy woman he had gone on about. But it slowly dawned on me that something really huge was going on here. Richard became very depressed. The more Sarah withdrew, the more depressed he became. I became very involved in their relationship. I am sure Sarah had no idea that I did. Every time Richard wanted to contact her he was running it by me. Every time she said something I heard all about it. I gave advice on stepping back himself, giving her some space and then, when Richard felt he wanted to contact her again I was encouraging about it. He no longer trusted himself to make a good decision and was relying on me for that judgement.

All the time my heart was being ripped out. When Richard was depressed and needed me I felt very close to him. In some ways these were some of the best days of our relationship because I really felt needed. At the same time I was being emotionally crushed. Richard could not differentiate between when I needed space and when I needed closeness. He was not interested in how much strain I could bear. I don't even think now he understands what a hard time it was for me.

Sarah and Richard are hardly in touch now. Richard is still working through his feelings, he probably will be for the rest of his life, but Sarah, who made it blatant to me early on has made it blatant to Richard that they will never be together romantically. Now Richard is stronger I can tell him how it makes me feel. He thinks these feelings are new. He thinks I was okay. He doesn't know that I had stomach cramps, felt lonely, didn't know where to turn or what to do. He says I make it up and he tells me this contempt is new.

He doesn't realise that I liked Sarah. That I thought she was a good 'un. That it was Richard who hurt me. That it is Richard I blame for my leftover feelings of despair and relief.