Boundaries

I was in a relationship with Richard long before he was diagnosed with a personality disorder. And while I didn't know what his eventual diagnosis would be, I did have some sort of feeling that my boundaries were being trodden on which was why I was starting to feel so rubbish myself.

I am lead to believe that boundaries are the way forward if I wish to continue a life being Richard's partner. This sounds quite simple but in reality it isn't. If I lay down a boundary he laughs at me, tells me he's not doing it or ignores me completely.

I have told him and told him. I don't want drawers to be left open, washing up left in the sink, to do all the ironing. But this is not setting boundaries. To me I am telling him what I want, what I need in order to improve the way I feel about life. This constant chaos is not where my mind naturally fits. To him I am just nagging.

So I need to bring in consequences. Ironic because I am to all intents and purposes controlled by Richard and one of his mechanisms is to use consequences.

I have begun my first proper foray into consequences: If Richard drops clothes on the floor I will stop ironing his shirts. Well I have to start somewhere, and it might as well be with something small that's going to make a difference.

Feel free to give me some pointers in the comments section below.....

A Difference of Opinion

Yesterday I had a long text conversation with my partner about whether or not to pick him up from somewhere that he had requested me to pick him up from. I have cited below one text from this conversation to demonstrate the sort of conversation we had:

"To be fair, there is no job or task in the house that you can do better or even nearly equal to me. And there are plenty you can't do. Therefore the best function you can perform, logically, is to service me so I can do those jobs and tasks instead of you and do them properly. There is no logic to you doing anything because I eclipse you on everything. Supporting me is the only real purpose. Sadly you think you are better than that, so you sabotage my work and the whole family suffers. All we do is support you and I try to press on in spite of you not helped by you."

Richard and I see things very differently. I think that I work very hard in our house, that he has no care or appreciation for the work that I do and is therefore careless about looking after the work I have undertaken. The lack of attention to keeping surfaces I have cleared clear, floors I have vacuumed clean, tidied up drawers strewn shows to me a definite and evidence-based lack of respect. Richard feels he is very busy, that he deserves one hundred percent of my attention and that I have no feelings. He can do whatever he would like to me, as far as he is concerned, and if I say I am upset it is irrelevant. If I cry it is, in his words, "for attention".

The difference in opinion in this particular instance was caused because I put a boundary down stating that I would only pick him up if he spoke to me with respect and did not continue to tell me I was useless. The outcome was that he relented, promised to abide by my boundaries and I therefore rewarded Richard by collecting him as he had requested.