Dear Richard, I just had to say something, from Joanne x

"You know what? There will be some 25 year old girls out there who don't find themselves attracted to you (but equally there will be some aged 45 and 35 who don't either). But you are not too old for some 25 year old girls to find you attractive. It's not that there's anything wrong with you - it's just that some people don't fancy you. No issue - no one is fancied by everyone they meet. Not even Prince William! So no, you don't need to take what I said to heart or believe that it is a problem, because it isn't.
Please understand that while I personally have no issue with my age, I do have an issue with society having an issue with my age. There is a lot of media and peer pressure for women to take 10 years off the age they look by using potions, creams, surgery etc. I don't care about how old I am but I feel society will consider me a failure if I can't take 10 years off. I am trying to explain the rationale for why I don't have a problem with my age while still feeling sensitive to it. It isn't so black and white as you have been making out. I have one part of my face which disturbs me and that is my frown lines. That is not because I don't want to look my age but because society tells me I am a failure when my face starts to crease up. From 21 I have been able to see that the first place I would get obvious lines is my frown. Many women have crows feet at my age and I am fortunate not to have them but I am sure that would make me feel a failure too.
So yes, I feel threatened when you talk about age and other people's ages, but not for the reasons you think. And at the moment I am really struggling to feel good about anything: I am knee deep in assignments and my diary is full of places I need to go over the next few weeks, meetings I need to organise, household tasks which are so far down the list I know these things will bug me. Ironing/washing is not going to be a top priority but it's necessity will not diminish. And putting clothes away is not going to be easier with the table in the way. And yes, I know you feel you need it but I feel cramped already and it's just added to my frustration.
Also I work in an unusual way. Talking to other students I have worked with I realised that most students need breaks from the work. I prefer to bash away at it when I get into the groove. I am sorry but it is the way my mind works. Maybe it is because I am slow, maybe it is the dyslexia or maybe it just is my learning style. But at the end of the day my entire life is not about assignments so it doesn't really matter as long as I get the work done. A few times this week just as I have got near the zone either you or Craig has disrupted me. That's okay - I should expect to be disturbed by my family but please try to consider how I work best and interrupt me only when it really is necessary. Oh and a couple of days eating pizza where you and Craig slammed it in the oven and 25 mins later it was done would have helped me tremendously. These days Craig could even show you how to use the pressure cooker and as long as you put 2 pints water in you would turn out a decent meal.
I am not coping, I am depressed, I am not in the best place. You are also in a bad place which means you are demanding of me. Normally okay but just this week it is too much. I feel I have neglected you for my work - and work that I have been stuck in a rut with until now which makes it worse. I feel you have construed this neglect as personal when really it is about me being busy with something short term which ultimately should benefit our family. I hope you see my point of view and maybe even agree with where or how the misunderstanding occurred. I love you. I am not my usual patient self right now but I still love you and normal business will be resolved in the next couple of days.
Please hug me, kiss me, comfort me still - you have become very good at the latter two in recent months and the former you never needed to improve anyway. I didn't mean you any harm yesterday. I am exasperated but that is not your fault. I am under pressure but that is not your fault. I am tired but that is not your fault. I have little fuse left though and it doesn't take much from you or Craig to make me flip at the moment. I cannot see your point of view today. I cannot appreciate you perspective today. I am likely to be angry today. Please recognise that it's not you or me or Craig causing my rattiness but my inability to cope under the pressure. Please tell me straight away if I upset you so I can put it right instead of not realising like yesterday. Help me to learn from my mistakes. And please don't push my buttons about girls or age or wrinkles, in two weeks it won't be so bad but I can't deal with it right now. (I expect you still to tell me stuff about Sarah, just not that she looks 24, 22 or 6!)
I love you and I apologise for hurting your feelings. It was not intentional, it was just defensive."

Abuse in the Middle of the Night

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. So I went downstairs to the office to work on my blog. I finally went to bed at 4am.

Just before I went to bed I discovered (in the fridge) that Richard had opened a new packet of cheese. The old packet was still half finished and he hadn't bothered to wrap the new pack in cling film. I was irritated because this is not the first time and I have told him it is a waste before.

Richard woke just as I came into the bedroom. In a brief chat I mentioned that I was annoyed about the cheese. Richard responded by telling me I was causing an argument and that I had woken him in the middle of the night regardless of knowing he struggles to sleep in the early hours.

I told him that I had not woken him and that I was telling him something that was a problem to me so that he knew it was an issue for the future. I apologised for perhaps raising it at the wrong time.

Richard did not take my apology seriously. He was in a rage and I was unable to talk to him. He started to take it out on me telling me I am useless, lazy and that everyone hates me. He repeated over and over, "You are an animal, like your dad."

I tried to ignore him. I rolled over and put my fingers in my ears. I thought about going downstairs to sleep, or in our spare room but I was too tired to be bothered. I stopped talking, when he's like this there is no rational conversation. Trying to get my point across is futile.

He pulled the cover off me several times telling me that because I woke him and I know he struggles to sleep that he would not let me sleep. He pushed my head and back several times (without hurting me) with intention of preventing my sleep.

Eventually he grew tired of it. This morning he apologised as if that undoes the damage he had done to me emotionally and through sleep deprivation.




HELP IN CASES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Refuge (women and children emergency accommodation)
Women's Aid (women and children)
Samaritans (experiencing distress and despair)
Rights of Women (informing, educating, empowering women about legal rights)
Men's Advice Line (heterosexual and homosexual men)
Elder Abuse (older vulnerable adults)
Barnardo's (children, young people and families)