Skivvy, Little Helper or Partner in the True Sense of the Word?

I don't always feel like a partner. Sometimes I do. Like the times I get recognition for the housework I did that day. Or when Richard shares a joke between us that only he and I understand. Or the times we talk about our future and think about both of our dreams. Or on the very few occasions we go out together without Craig.

But a lot of the time I don't. Because life is draining. It is a constant battle of trying to get everything done but not quite being good enough. The show must go on for Craig and me. School and work, while sympathetic, do not want to hear everyday that we are tired or that we didn't complete some work because we did not sleep. It isn't easy to keep this effort going. Richard doesn't criticise Craig that much but sometimes I feel like everything I do is wrong.

I don't alway have time for me either. I feel like Richard see my time as an extension of his own. His constant delegation of tasks and squeezing of my timetable means that every time I plan to go and do something for myself I find my time eaten up. Before I know it I have had to shelve my own plans. And then resentment sets in.

Sometimes I can have Richard's attention when I need it. But I have learned not to count on it. His agenda always preceeds mine. If I need emotional support it very much depends on where his own mood and head space are at.

I have tried to talk to Richard about how I feel. He has to be in an especially empathetic frame of mind to understand. Now and again he will come to me with great feelings of guilt about how I feel. Most of the time he has no idea what he is putting me through. This will never be an ordinary relationship. I have a choice - stay or go. But don't expect him to change. Fine if he can put the work into do so. But it has to be from him. Not me.

Abuse in the Middle of the Night

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. So I went downstairs to the office to work on my blog. I finally went to bed at 4am.

Just before I went to bed I discovered (in the fridge) that Richard had opened a new packet of cheese. The old packet was still half finished and he hadn't bothered to wrap the new pack in cling film. I was irritated because this is not the first time and I have told him it is a waste before.

Richard woke just as I came into the bedroom. In a brief chat I mentioned that I was annoyed about the cheese. Richard responded by telling me I was causing an argument and that I had woken him in the middle of the night regardless of knowing he struggles to sleep in the early hours.

I told him that I had not woken him and that I was telling him something that was a problem to me so that he knew it was an issue for the future. I apologised for perhaps raising it at the wrong time.

Richard did not take my apology seriously. He was in a rage and I was unable to talk to him. He started to take it out on me telling me I am useless, lazy and that everyone hates me. He repeated over and over, "You are an animal, like your dad."

I tried to ignore him. I rolled over and put my fingers in my ears. I thought about going downstairs to sleep, or in our spare room but I was too tired to be bothered. I stopped talking, when he's like this there is no rational conversation. Trying to get my point across is futile.

He pulled the cover off me several times telling me that because I woke him and I know he struggles to sleep that he would not let me sleep. He pushed my head and back several times (without hurting me) with intention of preventing my sleep.

Eventually he grew tired of it. This morning he apologised as if that undoes the damage he had done to me emotionally and through sleep deprivation.




HELP IN CASES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Refuge (women and children emergency accommodation)
Women's Aid (women and children)
Samaritans (experiencing distress and despair)
Rights of Women (informing, educating, empowering women about legal rights)
Men's Advice Line (heterosexual and homosexual men)
Elder Abuse (older vulnerable adults)
Barnardo's (children, young people and families)